| PARENTING IN A STRESSFUL WORLD So many times parents need to say no - part 2 By Susan Neuman Taylor, MSW, CSW, LMFT Okay, so maybe you have a hard time saying "no" and now find yourself in the position of having tantrums every time you enter a store. Maybe the thought of having a scene in a public place is more than you like to think about. Maybe it just seemed like the easier, or nicer, or more loving thing to buy that little toy at the time. However, now you have a child that looks so sweet, but can really act like a MONSTER. What to do? What to do? Again, go back and review what is really important to you and your family. Ask yourself some tough questions. Like, can things make me happy? All right, at the moment they are bought, it seems like happiness, but how many times has your child cast an item aside within moments of its acquisition? Is it important to take good care of your possessions? How many arguments do you have about picking up "things" from the floor, the car, and the counters? Do your children ask for things several times within one excursion, even after a purchase has been made? Do you find yourself wondering where all the money is going? If these situations sound all too familiar, then it may be time to make some hard choices. It may also be time to take a look at why you buy into your children's requests so readily. Beginning to limit the number of things that come into your child's life and sticking to "no" is no easy task. It is important to understand that if you decide to change your own behavior, that you know what to expect. Your child may become angry with you. Those tantrums that were avoided at an earlier time, may come back to visit you, now. Or it may seem like your child will no longer like or love you. You may feel that you are somehow hurting your child and begin to waver in your decision. If you begin to question yourself, then it is time for you to know that not saying "no" can often be more harmful to your child than giving them what they want. (Remember, now, we are talking about buying things and spending money, not about spending time with your children). Saying "no" on a consistent basis sets the tone for more thoughtful purchases. It also reinforces the concept that you do not have to buy something in order to be happy. Waiting on purchases can eliminate impulse buying, which often results in cast off items that grow into huge piles of clutter and annoyance. And those huge piles result in angry scenes centered on picking-up. Which brings me to the next point. Too many "things" can lead not only to clutter, but a lack of appreciation for the things that we have. Have you ever hard yourself saying to your children, "You don't take care of anything!" The fewer the purchases, the fewer the possessions. This increases the likelihood that things purchased will be valued and well cared for. |
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