| PARENTING IN A STRESSFUL WORLD So many times parents need to say no - part 3 By Susan Neuman Taylor, MSW, CSW, LMFT Rest assured that you are not alone in having some pretty intense feelings of anger and resentment toward your children because they seem so unappreciative of all the money you have spent on all the "things" that they have wanted. Appreciation is not bought, it must be earned. If you do not teach your children that they must delay having some items and that they must work to earn those items, you, as the parent and most important educator in your child's life, are continuing to treat them as if they are infants and must have every need met immediately in order to feel secure. True, infants need to have their needs met quickly and consistently. However, in order to help your child mature emotionally, you must make them wait. You must hold them responsible for earning some of what they want. If you fail to do so, you fail to teach your child how to handle disappointment and how to set goals. You also make them dependent upon you, or on purchasing power to be happy. This can translate into demanding, unpleasant individuals who accept no responsibility for what they have, including happiness or a good sense of themselves as a competent person. Happiness is a fleeting emotional state. Yet, it is one we hear often expressed as a desire for our children and ourselves. More realistically, I believe it is important to teach children how to cope in stressful situations, understand that other people have feelings that need to be taken into consideration, and that they can begin to plan or set goals for themselves. Relationships and accomplishments are ultimately what sustain us, not "things". I think that it is important to examine how "things" can get in the way of developing a good self-concept and relationships. Again, if you consider that many of the items deemed necessary by today's standards are large ticket items, such as TV's, game systems, personal electronic devices, including computers, it becomes evident that not everyone is going to be able to afford to make these purchases. It is hard to be able to keep up with peers. If too much emphasis is placed on material possessions for determining if you are "okay", then resentment and the sense of being denied what is needed can quickly escalate. This can lead to demanding behaviors from your child and pressure on you as the parent because you may begin to feel that you are not able to give your child what they need. It is an uncomfortable and all too common dilemma with which I deal with parents during counseling. It is also difficult to be swimming against the current, for either child or parent. There is a powerful lesson that your child can learn from your example, however, if you do not always follow the same path as everyone else. This can help your child recognize that it is important to be comfortable making your own choices. Choices that are sometimes different from the mainstream thinking. Another situation that I often encounter with parents and the rapid rise of all the personal devices that are on the market, is the inability they see in their children to share. If your child can choose to listen to what they want to listen to when they want to listen to it, they lose the understanding of sharing. Compromising on what is going to be listened to and when. The same is true with TV, games, and phones. If everyone has their own, the concept of sharing and considering the feelings of others becomes less tangible. The notion of actually waiting to do something that you want becomes alien. Interaction with others is lost, as well. And with that loss goes the ability to problem-solve, delay gratification of a personal want, and build supportive relationships. While these items may reduce the amount of arguing in a home or car, they do not teach your child what to do when they cannot have what they want, when they want it. Many of today's desired items are designed to be used alone. Not only are children losing the opportunity to develop good social skills, you cannot be sure of what they are listening to or seeing. That is a scary thought in these times of violent video games and questionable lyrics. It has always been an interesting argument that educational TV has such a positive effect on our children, but violence and disrespect modeled in the media has no effect on behavior. So it all starts with a simple and powerful, two-letter word, "NO". Good use of this simple word can save many hardships down the line. |
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